Thank you

Just a few words before I lay my head down again
You say thank you, but really I should be thanking you
I am what you make me
You are kind, so I want to be nicer
You are beautiful, so I want to be thinner
You are strong and brave, and so I want that too
You are smart, in ways I wish I could be
Maybe I'm dumb and slow, but I know what I want
And I know how lucky I am

Turn Off Unnecessary Windows XP Services

Turning off unnecessary services in Windows XP can greatly reduce your exploit risk, while improving system performance. It's a good time to inject that often there are all sorts of "download optimizers" and other cute programs that vendors like to push on users. The first rule is "If you don't know you need it, you probably don't."

Click on the link below for a step-by-step guide to making XP run faster.

read more


-J

Have heart, willing to travel.

-xo

Merry christmas

She's a queen without a throne
giving up the crown to move to a far away land
Leave her whole life behind
Kind of a reverse fairy tale
Only instead of coming from nothing to having everything
She's giving up everything to have just the warmth, the life

Well all I want this year is you

I'll still treat you like a queen even away from the kingdom

Dear you

It looks like we got ahead of ourselves already
Now we just need to play catch-up
I can't help but notice you've been avoiding me
I don't blame you
Maybe it's for the best

Make you smile

The last time I saw you

You turned away
I couldn't see you with the sun shining in my eyes
I said hello but you kept on walking
I'm going deaf from the sound of the freeway
The last time I saw you
You turned away
I couldn't hear with your voice ringing in my ears
Do you remember where we used to sleep at night?
I couldn't feel you
You're always so far away

The first time I saw you
You turned away
I couldn't see you with the smoke getting in my eyes
I said hello but you kept on walking
I'm going deaf from the sound of the dj
The first time I saw you
You turned away
I couldn't hear with the noise ringing in my ears
Do you remember where we used to sleep at night?
I couldn't feel you
You're always so far away

I don't
Don't want to take you home
Please don't
Don't make me sleep alone
If I could
I'd only want to make you smile
If you were to stay with me for a while

The next time I see you
You'll turn away
I'll say hello but you'll keep on walking
The next time you see me I'll turn away
Do you remember where we used to sleep at night?
I couldn't feel you
You're always so far away

I don't
Don't want to take you home
Please don't
Don't make me sleep alone
If I could
I'd only want to make you smile
If you were to stay with me for a while

Transitions

Everything needs to fade from starlight into bright of day
From what I hear
Nothing gold can stay
But Billy West got a new lease on life
Maybe things won't be so bad for me
I still have a long way to go though

I've always had this sort of lifetime near-sightedness
When I was 18, I never thought I'd live past 25 for whatever reason. I just couldn't imagine myself then, what my life would be like
Had a girlfriend back then.
She used to ask me about the future all the time, was she in it and all that.
I would always just say that I couldn't see myself in the future
Really had a problem visualizing it
But it sounded like a shitty, passive-aggressive way of saying “don't plan on sticking around, babydoll.”
But I was telling the truth, maybe I just don't have a future
So when it finally dawned on me, that I'd probably make it past 25, I had to start making other plans
Took the peircing out of my tongue
I want to still have my teeth in ten years
Quit smoking
Don't want to be coughing out my lungs at 45
You get the idea

So now I'm in another kind of transisiton
Relationship crucible
I guess you got to just be yourself
Run it up the flagpole and see what happens
Sink or swim
Just say what's on your mind
For better or for worse

Last time...

I tried to sleep
Without you in the room,
Didn't go so well.

I miss you terribly.

Xo,

J

Well I guess it's true
Pete writes hits
I just write hitlists
I'm not a hitman
I'm not even really a hit, man
I'm not really a rockstar, but I rolled him over while he was passed out
Stone-drunk on the floor
Stole his wallet, watch and keys
All I still have is his day planner
It's a struggle to make every date
Every photo op with paris
I get spread thin, worn out
Always on a plane
Hoodie up, headphones on
Every three weeks
Like clockwork
Now it's to vegas
On to Minneapolis/St. Paul
On the run
Towards something instead of away
Kind of a reverse witness protection program
Only she's the mafia don
And I look terrible in the nun's habit
All washed out in black and white
The way pictures look taken with disposable cameras
Disposable camera, pictures forever
Though it always seems like the memory fades much faster than the picture
I've told the new philly story so many times it seems like it almost just that
A story
Passed away into legend, you me and andrea

-J

Tonight I sit with the dark again
Guns drawn, aimed into the distance
Routine again
Stomach, throat, eyes on fire
Deep inside, churning
My fingertips tap out this message
sos from my sinking ship, I let the ring slip out of my fingers
Loose lips and all
Soon I'll be back in the cold
Lungs and skin flushed with heavy breathing
Hard
Hard.
In the dark no one can see you blush so what does it matter?
Why can't I just let the cat out of my bag
Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one
Another shot in the dark
Another shot
Another shot...
Bottom line? I'm part martyr, part used car salesman. Sorry, but that's just how the math works

At the same time

Once, when I was in college, I dated two girls at the same time
It wasn't very pleasant for me
I don't think I'm really built for that sort of thing
I'm really only built to date one woman at a time
I mentioned that to a coworker today because she had been dating 3 guys named Alex all at the same time
I realized, what the hell was I thinking?
Why have two angry, unsatisfied women in your life when you could just have the one
Just thinking

Holding on...

I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready... Holding on tightly, don't give away the ending
The darkest hours only hightlight the shadows
It's all easy days and fun and games until someone loses their heart
It's hardest to see the fight, through the dark of the night, in the heart of what's right, through someone else's eyes
I can't tell you how hard I've been trying, how much I've let go of

-J

Sunday's best

Good morning blog. A happy Sunday to you.
I haven't written anything anyone can understand in kind of a while so I thought since I have a few minutes this morning, I'd give it a shot.
Right now I'm working on another show for ABC. I don't know what it's going to be called but right now it's being referred to in our office as the "dream project." Basically it's a wish fulfillment show with a dash of interesting people, fun hosts and good stories. Think three wishes with less crying. I just went to a town called Temecula last night and held an open call. We had a great turnout and I even got a spicy Italianan sausage before I left. That's what I call a good time.
In personal news I just saw the movie version of Silent Hill. Jesus, that movie is pretty disturbing. Christophe Gans, the director, was obviously in love with the video games because you probably couldn't have gotten a more faithful version of this series. Every detail was spot on, and even ramped up a little. The art direction was wonderfully layered and properly decomposed. The architecture of Silent Hill remains just as unsettling and disorienting in the interior shots, and just as desolate and dirty in the exterior shots. The atmospheric sound design is still intact for the most part with a few other sounds and pop songs thrown in. I really enjoyed this film, despite the fact that something absolutely horrific, graphic and disturbing is happening onscreen about once every 15 minutes. You have been warned (one woman gets her skin torn off like yanking off a sweater, just as an example).
Ok, enough of the dark imagery. In case you haven't figured out from the last 8 months of cryptic poetry and non-tech related posts, I've been dating a lovely young reporter from Ohio. We actually met at an open casting call for another show I was working on (and no, she wasn't trying out for the show, she was writing about it for the newspaper). So she now lives in Minnesota and works for two different newspapers and I'm still working in TV casting. The distance has been tough and it takes a lot of effort to make it work, but like they always say, when you know, you just know. It's exciting, I can't even tell you. Keep checking back here and hopefully before too long (a handful of months) I'll be telling you all to look out for her here in California. Nothing would make me happier.

Josh

Hearts/hates

hearts
* reggie
* new music
* my Dad
* travelling
* summer air
* movies in the theater, sitting in the dark
* literature
* listening for the first time in a long time
* making Mn radio happen
* feeling clear-headed again

* you (I know you read this)

hates
* waiting to talk
* myspace
* stupid people
* short lunches
* stress-induced twitching
* distance

Stay golden,

J

Yahoo hooks up with BlackBerry

BlackBerry users will be able to get e-mail and instant messaging services from Yahoo under a deal expected to be announced tomorrow at the CTIA show in Las Vegas.

read more | digg story

Raining

It's raining here again
Last night, I lay awake, staring at the ceiling and listened to the rain play a drum beat in the alley.
I've been feeling less and less like myself lately, more out of control
I've never been so scared for so long
I'm starting to wonder if I have some sort of chemical imbalance
Maybe it's just me giving in to those voices in my head telling me I need to listen to her heart
Maybe it's just me being maudlin
Maybe the music speaks to me because I feel that way
But then again, who's to say the music isn't causing the misery
I've got a real chicken and egg dilemma on my hands
Oh well, time to get back to work and trying not to dwell

I am such a letdown

I'm the last bait and switch you ever expected
I'm the unhappy ending in the John Cusack movie
I'm the broken hearts across the highway
I'm the awkward moment just before you try to kiss her, that moment after when she tells you how you're better off just friends
I'm the terrible cold feeling in your stomach that says you can't change what you are
I'm the lost cause, the dying breed
The romantic gesture that she never asked for
I'm self-loathing, fear and violence, with a dash of jealous spite
These grapes never tasted so sour
I'm the busy signal tonight, when you call her and she's still on with him
I'm the joke you never understood, you smile and nod while they all roll on the ground
I am dirty and stupid and weak and pathetic and awkward and all the things my father never was
I'm afraid I'll never change, stubbornly, I've painted us into this corner
Mostly I'm just sorry. I never meant to bring on all this shame. I meant to check this baggage at the curb.

Xo,

J

R.I.P. Bootsie

Bootsie was a good cat,
She was a loving cat, she sat and was petted often
Bootsie lost her fight with kitty cancer today

let's all take a moment of silence for Bootsie

Blackberry test

That's right kids, I've wrangled myself a blackberry. Right now its kind of tough for me to send emails from my gmail account, but I can still receive emails and reply. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll have the kinks worked out, but until then the end of all the posts I send will have that obnoxious message, sent from blackberry wireless device. That's all for now, I'll try to write more later.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.

Birthday Girl

Guess who's birthday it is today?

That's right. Say happy birthday to a special lady.

You want apologies?

girl you might hold your breath, until your breathing stops forever
the only thing you'll get, is this curse on your lips
I hope they taste of me forever

I'll keep singing this lie

...if you'll keep believing it.

I've got sunshine in my veins, a wash in blue and silver
the smell of oranges and summer
there's a blue house, a long way from here, where your ghost still walks around
holds conversations and smokes cigarettes down to the filter,
where my jokes are still funny, and your hair still looks great,
at least in pictures

the clouds rolled out a long time ago, but i swear they're back
my bathroom smells like ohio
a long car ride, airport to hit the bricks
hide and seek and regan abounds thrown off the grounds with the grounds
we won't always love these selfish things
I voided the warranty a long time ago, cut the tape in front of a club so exclusive
even I can't get in
I've got the stamp to prove it
I'm a one man army, at war with myself, the demons in my head

my mom always said I was so nice and sweet... so what happened?

but then you always said I was so funny...

I won't always love these selfish things, sometimes I'll love the things you want me to

I'm still driving away and I'm sorry everyday

Update

Ok, yeah I know I know.  I'm totally unavailable and cryptic these days.  Just sending 128 character updates from my phone doesn't keep you, the people, informed about my life.  So here goes, open wide...

My life is good right now.  I have a girlfriend who cares about me but lives 1,000 miles away and a job that runs me ragged so I forget how badly that sucks.  But all in all, I shouldn't be complaining.  My job, which is working from within the casting department for the new ABC show Ex-Wives Club.  A lot of my job has to do with casting, but some of my job has been doing some shooting for the show.  All in all it has been a very good experience.

Things with Steph are good.  She is living with her Aunt and Uncle in Pine Island, MN and enjoying the cold weather.  I think she is yearning for sunshine, so for all of you Californians, look for her to become your new favorite person late in 2006.  Peace.

Josh

Hotel Life

Yeah, it costs  the company a lot and they supply sumptuous supplies all in your room, all complimentary, but hotel life still sucks.  I'd rather share a $30/night piece of shit room with someone close to my heart.  Beautiful and empty, this hotel rings just lonely.

<3

J

And thank you to sheila, scott and k.k. Frank was the man, but so was the the duke, no matter what you say. Thanks for the stories

So it looks like this is turning into a great opportunity for my career. Thanks bryan, andrew, jarrett, lillian, and you.

Of hearts and scars...

sometimes the best way to connect is to disconnect from everything else. i think you knew i was watching you sleep, wishing to save that memory forever, but my memory isn't what it used to be. a beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking jack and cokes all morning.
i watched the tape last night over and over again until the batteries ran out of juice. i'm pretty sure i caught a glimpse of your heart.
i fought off the void, that cold feeling of despair, talked it out fought it out in the ring inside my head

the ring
how long can i wait? i guess we'll see.

october never seemed so far away, but the summer never ends when you're around.

handicapped parking never seemed so appealing.

i can still see the mark you left over my heart, feel it underneath my clothes.

"A beautiful girl can make you dizzy..."

Dear S.G.M@Gmail.com,
Thank you.

Love,

J

Today i've scored a small victory. I threw several small fits and tantrums, but overall, chalk up a w for team josh! Now for day 2

Zero Days

I feel like I'm one of those trailer-parks in Florida with a sign out front that says:

It has been:
0
Days since our last disaster.

I'm working on putting a whole week together.

I'm back

I'm still mopey, I'm still Emo (just for you) and I'm still a wreck.  But at least now I can write about it.

Sometimes I get mad
But life and love are to learn
I am still learning

Sometimes we don't speak
The same language or listen
My heart hears you best

Hello New Year

Hello,
It's been a while since I've written anything. I want this year to go like this:

• I want to be a real man, the way my Dad is a real man. Right now I'm not sure I am.
  
• I want to tell those around me that I love them
• But I want to show them more
• I wish I were a better person, but I don't know how
• I want to get out from under my own crushing self
• I want to feel adequate in lots of things
• I want you to feel special and wonderful and unique and everything I've ever dreamed of wanting, because you are. I just want to figure out how to show it all the time.

That's all. Over and out.

PS. Sorry I'm such a jerk, it seems I can't help it.